12/15/2006
Sleep finally came, the restful deep comforting sleep I had longed for – it
was here. Probably from pure exhaustion, but I feel deeply asleep. Only to
be awaken by the pull of a furry paw on my arm. It was our Keeshond,
Baby his beautiful hairy face so near to mine. Pulling and tugging at me to
get up. He was so quietly the watch dog, always coming to my side of the
bed, never waking my husband. Always me, as if he knew the hell that would
erupt if he over shot his mark. So, I drag myself from sleep and creep out
of the bedroom shutting the door quietly behind me. I glanced into my
daughter’s room and yes she was gone. The bed was still warm. I hurried down
the stairs, Baby leading the way ever so gently like a thief in the night.
My little private eye. I opened the garage door and felt the draft. The side
door to the garage – ajar. She was gone again into the night. Damn it. I
felt the anger rise so violently in my throat. The pressure, the force of my
anger rising so fast and furiously I felt as if I would explode. My heart
pounding like thunder, my body shaking like a wet dog. I paced, I stood, and
I paced some more. I walked outside and sat on the front porch smoking
cigarette after cigarette. My lungs burning, smoldering from the sheer
volume of smoke I was inhaling. I waited… for hours in the dark. I moved
inside and sat in the hall, in the dark with a cast iron skillet in my
hands. The little shit, interrupting the only descent night sleep I had in,
I can’t remember the last time I slept so well. Now here I sit with a cast
iron skillet in my hands. Baby sat beside me, still and peaceful. My
trooper, my little hairy warrior. I heard a stirring in the garage, Baby did
not make a sound, yet he heard her too. Funny, the dogs usually bark, it was
like he knew what I was doing, just like he knew he needed to alert me of
the earlier goings on. She gently shut the door and Baby greeted her,
as she would expect. She turned the corner… I said “welcome home”. “Hi” she
replied, “why the skillet who were you expecting”. It took every ounce of
energy I had not to smash the skillet into her head and end this once and
for all. Put us all out of the misery she created for all of us on a daily
basis. The look in her eyes, she was flying somewhere, she didn’t care…
1/3/2007
The darkness stands in the corner, hovering, watching, and waiting for the
right moment. It’s been there for years, I’ve seen it and felt its cold
touch but I have managed to stave it off for several decades now. My
strength however is waning, being drained in massive quantities – I have no
control over my loss. I can almost recall the moment I slipped into the
abyss of hollowness, barely recalling the light off day as I sit here
looking up from this pit. This very deep pit – I didn’t dig it, I didn’t put
it here. There are no voices saying “you made your bed now you lie in it” or
any of those other absurd phrases people use when they need to place blame.
There is no blame to place here. I did nothing to deserve this fate. This is
not my fault – it’s nobody’s fault and that the hardness thing to wrap my
brain around, we always need to place blame. Especially when our lives have
shattered for no apparent reason. The darkness slips in and covers me – no
fighting it – just let it happen. No fight left right now, perhaps another
day. Angie, my dear child I love you...Is it me? A mass of crumpled bed
sheets and pillows, hair in complete upheaval? The silhouette on the wall
speaks volumes as to where the darkness has taken me. It’s not me, please
see that it’s just my shell – the emptiness of me, the soul of me is here,
just keep looking, and don’t give up.
If you find me with a thready pulse and shallow breathing, lifeless – save
me if you must but know that I will come back to you as I left you –
hollowed out like a jack-o-lantern. Smiling to make you feel better but
screaming “why the hell did you bring me back into this bloody nightmare”.
Who gave you permission to make the decision for me to live in this hole?
I search for God everywhere amongst this pain. He’s here, I feel him more
sometimes than others. What’s he waiting for – why isn’t he sweeping in to
save me? The small voice in my head says “God helps those who help
themselves”. My only escape from the intensity of my pain and the constant
inventory I take on my failure is sleep. Dreamless sleep if I am blessed
enough to have it. Right now I’m sure that God is the one who gives me the
pleasure of dreamless sleep – right now that’s the only bone he’s throwing
my way. I’ll take what I can get. –
Days turn into weeks, weeks to months I look back and the wasted time
enrages me – yet I have no strength to implement the changes I know I need
to make. Understanding I need to make change, effort pisses me off. People
look at me with that pathetic look. Bastards, have they traded places with
me, how dare they judge what they do not know. I’ve held on through more
than most people deal with in a life time and now I simply can’t hold on any
longer. I know my family hurts for me, I know that my husband and my mom are
at a loss as to what to do or say. I feel a bit of remorse for that, but
this isn’t about them, their pain… it’s about me. I can’t help them right
now I’m just trying to survive. I just need them to love me and to quit
telling me they understand and that everything will be alright. I need them
to pray for me I need them to tell me they love me and that when I’m ready
to talk or cry or scream they’ll be there to listen. Not to judge or feed me
lines of “happier days ahead”, just listen – no comments necessary – except
“I love you” and if there is anything I can do just ask. Don’t force
anything on me – not right now anyway. I’m still here – I know it to be true
because the darkness is here with me, I see it, I feel it – the pain is very
real – sometimes that’s the only way I know I’m still alive.
1/5/2007
It’s all about acceptance, accepting where you are in your life. The good,
the bad, the ugly, the beautiful and there is beauty – fleeting perhaps but
it’s there. Today, I accepted the fact that my issues are real, my pain is
real and my frustration is real. I’ve been so busy fighting with myself and
being angry with everyone else to face that fact that I am not superwoman.
My depression and anxiety do not define me as a person, as a woman. Right
now in my life it is but one facet of who I am – I must accept this in order
to find a way to manage it – if I cannot conquer it. The reality is I may
never be able to conquer it – it will probably always be with me, but I can
learn to manage it – I must learn to manage it, my life depends on it. No
one else can do it but me I can’t turn to my mom and say fix me. She would
if she could – but she cannot. I’ve spent a lot of time with self pity and I
deserve it my life is hell. A heaping helping of self pity never hurt anyone
– it’s the over abundance of self pity that’ll kill you. I’ve been asking
why me so damn much – what happen to my life? It was going along pretty good
– not fabulous, but I knew I was doing okay then out of the blue the
darkness came and hangs on to me like a leach. Today, I will accept the
darkness and welcome it to my life and figure out a way to use it to my
advantage. If I can’t find a way to use it, I will find a way to shed it
little by little… somehow.
Dealing with these feeling of hopelessness take boundless amounts of energy
that I just don’t have. I must gather bits and pieces as I can and fight
it…but sleep it calls my name, it whispers in the winds from all directions.
Accept this Rose – you go nowhere – if you do not accept it. So for today, I
will not try and conquer my demons, I will only manage them the best I know
how.
1/15/2007
The sun woke me up this morning, okay this afternoon from a dreamless sleep
no less stupid damn sun. I forced myself to go outside with my puppies and
sit for a while. I love to be with them, no judgment, no suggestions, just
love. The sun actually felt good on my face and made me smile. Today, I
prayed on the porch please Lord let me have a good day. I thought of Angie,
and cried – I do not know where she is right now. Smiles for me are short
lived. I can’t keep crying for her I have to I have to throw off the
intensity of this pain for today, if only for today and live, at least for a
few hours. I feel ashamed of what I’ve become. What kind of mother am I
being to my sons, what kind of wife or daughter – then God’s voice calms my
fear because they love me unconditionally – they really do and I know that
in the deepest part of my heart I know that one truth that no matter what my
family loves me – period. I hold onto that for dear life, clinging to it
because I know my life depends on it – literally. Today I moved forward – I
took a step – outside into the sunshine. I bathed and dressed and put on
some make-up. Not too shabby… Larry smiled at me and told me I loved pretty
– he walks on egg shells around me because he never knows how long the mood
will last. But he cherishes them, just as I do. He knows I am in there
somewhere – the real me, with boundless energy and smiles for everyone and
he has faith that I will find myself again. I will manage this depression –
I will learn to deal with it – he has the faith of a child – I am more
cynical… we shall see.
1/18/2007
The plausibility of ever feeling normal again is slim. What a life. I have
no idea what is must be like to sleep in a normal pattern, or to feel joy.
The absence of joy is hell, let me tell you. It’s hell pure and simple. The
absence of joy, I would have never even considered it before in my life.
Where there is no joy there is only darkness. There’s no half hearted joy –
there’s nothingness. See when your life is void of joy it is void of all
things. You just go aimlessly through your existence. You go through the
motions, you smile, you laugh but you feel nothing. Except perhaps contempt
– contempt for the one or ones who stole your joy. If you’re like me and you
blame life in general, then you feel total and utter contempt for life and
all its many facets. I’ve been trying to feel – anything at all. It’s
useless right now. I’d settle for a good cry – the tears they won’t come
though I can feel them – sitting there on the brink laying bitterly at the
surface of my eyes. Yet they refuse to overflow – I guess that would mean
that a feeling overcame my existence and that would be impossible. Where
could she be? Where could my baby be – dear God please watch over her.
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